La Isla Bonita
by The Creatress
Summary: Severus Snape, Lex Luthor, Jack Sparrow and Gregory House are all stuck on a desert island. ... What? That's it. What more do you need? ... Read and laugh and review...


Disclaimer - I don't own Snape, House, Luther or Sparrow

Disclaimer - I don't own Snape, House, Luther or Sparrow. If I did, they'd be waitin on me, hand and foot… But I don't. So here we are.

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Author's Note:

A result of the voices in my head getting high on gin and tonic at 2 in the morning one night… thinks it's genius though, so sucks to you, psychiatrists!

Luv

Creatress

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La Isla Bonita

One night, all was quiet in the many parallel universes of TV and books and movies, when all of a sudden four portals, swirling blue and white, appeared in four separate universes…

xXxXx

Lex Luther was working on some files at his desk. It was late night and he was tired, but he carried on, taking a gulp of whatever alcohol he was drinking, rubbing the sleep away from his eyes.

All of a sudden, a blue and white portal appeared in front of his desk.

Lex looked up, a little warily. After living in Smallville, certain things just didn't invoke strong reactions from him anymore. However, he'd never seen anything like this portal before. And Lex knew everything about aliens and anything related to them.

He glanced at his glass of liquid gold. Maybe he'd drunk too much – Lana had commented on his drinking, but he'd never paid it any attention. He moved the glass away from him and turned back to the portal, which was still there, in all its swirling glory.

So, Lex did what any paranoid multibillionaire who had millions of Earthlings and extra-terrestrials after him would do.

He walked over to the portal and touched it, instantly getting sucked into its swirls.

xXxXx

Severus Snape was up late, drinking Ogden's and working on a potion. The Potions Master was just as much a workaholic paranoid as one Lex Luther, but he was just too bloody amazingly smart to walk up to a portal and touch it. So, luck would have it that the one time the graceful, poised, always-in-control Slytherin would be clumsy was also the one time a portal would appear right beside him.

Accidentally having touched it, Snape was sucked in.

xXxXx

Gregory House was at his office. He wasn't a paranoid workaholic, but he was celebrating a solved case with extra Vicodin and whiskey. Having nothing better to do, he sat at his desk and started playing with his ball.

All of a sudden, Bugs Bunny and Darth Vader appeared in the middle of the room. As House looked at them in shock, a portal appeared behind them and sucked them in. House eyed the portal with mild interest, but then decided that it was probably just a result of the extra Vicodin. He started to bounce his ball against his desk, ignoring the portal… Until, he lost control of the ball, which bounced off the desk, across the floor and into the portal and disappeared.

Letting out a cry of horror and panic, House grabbed his cane and ran to the portal with an amazing amount of speed for a crippled man, and dove in.

xXxXx

Captain Jack Sparrow was curled around an empty rum bottle, asleep… er, passed out… when a portal appeared in his cabin. He wasn't a paranoid workaholic, either, you see…

The portal stood patiently by his bedside for a few minutes, waiting for him to wake up and notice it. But the minutes went by with nothing but the gentle rocking of the Black Pearl being cause of the only movement in the room. Finally, the portal grew impatient, and tapped Jack Sparrow on the shoulder.

The captain grunted, but didn't wake. The portal shook him harder and finally, the captain woke up, annoyed. His eyes widened when he saw the portal, but he quickly dismissed it as he saw another problem. He picked up the empty bottle of rum and shook it. He turned to the portal. "No rum!" he said, holding the empty bottle up.

The portal stood silently for a moment, before it realized that Jack was waiting for a response. "Um… I've got rum."

"Do you?" Jack exclaimed, his eyes lighting up.

"Er, yeah, come on in."

So Jack dove in.

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The four portals deposited the men on a beautiful, deserted beach.

"A desert island!" Jack Sparrow exclaimed. "Where's the rum?!" He turned to the sky. "You said you had rum!"

"Where's my ball?!" House exclaimed, looking around wildly.

The two other men watched Jack and House with a mixture of confusion and awe at first, and then with only irritated inertia when Jack and House proceeded to look for their things.

"What is this place? Where am I?" Lex asked, looking around.

"According to the drunken…" His lip curled. "Pirate… It's a desert island," Snape answered.

"And you are…?" Lex turned to Snape.

Snape looked at him for a moment before answering. "Severus Snape. The tall, dark, brooding, sly, cunning, short-tempered, not-good-looking-but-everybody-finds-me-sexy-anyway, maybe-evil-maybe-not genius Potions Master of Hogwarts."

"Hm. I'm Lex Luther. The tall, dark, brooding, sly, cunning, short-tempered, not-good-looking-but-everybody-finds-me-sexy-anyway, maybe-evil-maybe-not genius owner of Luther Corp."

"Ah. Do you know them?" Snape asked, gesturing at House and Jack, who seemed to have given up looking for the ball and the rum.

Lex shook his head no. He then turned and saw House. "This one seems sane, though. Let's ask him." He turned to the third man, who was dejectedly limping up to them. "Who are you?" he asked.

House tapped his cane as he got his mind off his ball and looked the two over. "I'm Gregory House. The tall, dark, brooding, sly, cunning, short-tempered, not-good-looking-but-everybody-finds-me-sexy-anyway, maybe-evil-maybe-not genius diagnostician of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital."

Jack also appeared at this moment. Before he could open his mouth to introduce himself, Lex cut in.

"Let me guess - the tall, dark, brooding, sly, cunning, short-tempered, not-good-looking-but-everybody-finds-me-sexy-anyway, maybe-evil-maybe-not genius fashion disaster of the seven seas."

The three men stared at Lex for a second. Lex blinked. "What?" he asked.

"I've never heard a man use the words 'fashion disaster' before," Snape said as House and Jack nodded along.

Lex shook his head. "I have a right to – he's the one wearing eyeliner!" he exclaimed, gesturing at Jack. The three others only regarded him with the same look of disbelief.

"You _know_ what eyeliner is?" House asked, raising an eyebrow.

Lex shook his head. "An educated guess. Judging from the name, it would be something that _lines_ ones _eyes_, wouldn't it?"

House and Snape nodded, relenting, but Jack only narrowed his uber-sexy eyes at Lex. "Maybe I was _born_ with it," the pirate snarled.

Lex scoffed. "Maybe it's Maybeline." This earned him another _look_ from his companions. He smacked his forehead in exasperation. "My wife wears it!" he explained.

The other three shrugged it off, but sneaked him a few distrusting looks. "Eunuch," Jack muttered under his breath.

"Why are we here?" House finally asked, looking around. "I chased my ball into a portal, and then I landed on this beach."

Snape shrugged. "I accidentally touched it…"

House looked at the Potions Master as if he was crazy.

"What?! You jumped into it!" Snape snapped.

"It had a hostage!" House snapped back.

Lex shifted uncomfortably. "I purposely touched it…" House, Snape and Jack all raised an eyebrow at him. "I was drunk!" he snapped.

"So was I!" House put in. "And high on Vicodin."

"I was drunk, as well…" Snape muttered, thoughtfully. He turned to Jack. "You?"

"I was soberin' up, mate…" Jack frowned and turned to the sky. "It _told_ me it had rum!"

"Ah, so we four have just proven something," Lex said. He turned to the readers of this fanfic. "_All cool men drink_!" he announced as his companions nodded their accords. His message delivered, Lex took his place in the fic again.

Snape blinked at him before turning to the others. "Maybe this is a hallucination caused by alcohol."

"But why would I hallucinate about you three? You are the weirdest, most random people I've ever met," House said.

"Same to you, mate," Jack frowned at him.

"Maybe we should all just sleep it off," Lex suggested.

"Fine… We should build a fire first. To scare away any animals," House said.

"Does anyone know how to?" Jack asked, looking around.

For a moment, nobody moved. Then Snape noticed that his wand was gone. "My wand's gone!" he exclaimed.

"Wand?" Lex asked.

"Yes, wand. I'm a wizard." Snape turned to look at the forest behind them. "If we can get wood, I can do wandless magic and set them on fire."

"Fine, let's go," Jack said, starting to walk toward the woods. "The sooner I can go to sleep, the better."

"I agree," Lex stated. "Let's skip looking for wood altogether, and just use House's cane."

House immediately whacked him behind the knee with his cane. Giving Lex a dirty look, he started following Jack into the woods. Snape only smirked, but waited while Lex flexed (Lex flex – rhyme!) his leg and then, the two followed House.

So the four men walked into the woods… Whatever will they find there?

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A/n

So… Yeah. Here's a preview of the next chappie:

"You should know to get us out off this floating wasteland," House said.

"Why would you say that, mate?"

"Haven't you done it before?" House asked.

"Yes, but that was a different island."

"What did that island have that this island doesn't?" Snape asked.

Jack looked at him seriously. "Liquid gold."

REVIEW!


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